Being in a relationship isn’t all holding hands and rainbows and consistent intimacy. There comes a time, every so often, when a couple butts heads, which is exactly why they invented make-up sex. As much as he protests, as much as he tries to fight back, there are just some arguments that no matter what, a man will never win. Because — repeat after me — the lady is always right. Here are 11 arguments a guy will never win with his girlfriend.
1. The “Be Honest” Fight “Be honest. Do you think I’ve gained weight?” “Maybe a little bit.” “WHAT?!” “You said be honest….” That’s the thing about honesty — when someone asks for it, it probably means you should lie. Except when it comes to questions about her weight, her ass and her parents… then you shoulddefinitelylie.
2. The “Why Were You Checking Her Out?” Fight Even if you weren’t checking out another girl, even your eyeballs could not have possibly looked in the direction your girlfriend is claiming, even if there wasn’t an actual female in sight. You’re never going to win this argument. And the more you protest, the more she’ll fire back. Take a tip from my senior history teacher: Always give her the view of the restaurant so your eyes aren’t tempted to wander.
3. The “I Can’t Read Your Mind” Fight “I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t want to celebrate our anniversary!”
4. The “I Caught You Looking At Porn” Fight Men are always getting caught looking at porn, and this time it’s no different. Tuck your tail under, tell her the requisite things she needs to hear and have some make-up sex that’s better than the movies.
5. The “Leaving Flirty Comments On Facebook” Fight Oh, so you thought we wouldn’t see that borderline slutty comment you left on that girl’s Facebook photo in which she so happens to lookpretty darn goodlike a b*tch? Delete it now or else you shall feel the wrath of one thousand suns.
6. The “We’re Watching ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ Tonight” Fight We promise you’ll really like it in the end! It’s so good, there’s even Meryl Streep and we all justdieover her. Thanks baby, you’re the best! Shut. It. Down.
7. The “Make More Of An Effort With My Friends” Fight You know what you have to do. Even if it means dancing to Katy Perry and not touching your girlfriend’s ass for two hours.
8. The “I’m Drunk And Irrational And Need Attention” Fight This fight is not unlike a Russian movie — it’s painful to get through and difficult to interpret, but there could be worse things, like needing to hold her hair back.
9. The “Why Do You Still Have That Nude Photo?” Fight Who the eff is that girl andwhere can I get her trainerdelete that sh*t right now. Why do you still have it and you better not have opened it since 2005. Congratulations bro, you just unleashed a whole load of cray cray, so make like a scissor and cut it out.
10. The “You Seriously Want To Chill With Your Bros More Than Me?” Fight Do your friends have boobs? Did they pick up those chocolate-covered bananas you like? That’s right. Didn’t think so. Go have fun playing video games and picking your noses with the guys.
11. The “You’re Coming To The Beyoncé Concert With Me” Fight She’s an icon and you know it. We won’t even mind if you hold your balls the entire night to secure your manliness. Great, buying the tickets now. We love you like XO.
12. The “I Found Something On Your Phone That I Didn’t Like” Fight So, we went snooping through your phone — clearly we needed to do some investigating. It still doesn’t compare to the perceived offensive text messages you’ve been engaging in. Regardless of how pissed you are that she broke your privacy, perhaps you shouldn’t give her any reason to do so.
13. The “Why Are You Wishing Your Ex A Happy Birthday?” Fight We don’t care if she threw a “Billy Madison”-style birthday party and then offered you a gigantic slice of cake. We all know what saying “Happy Birthday” to an ex means: I’m still not over you and I want you to think of me on your special day. Her candle was blown out ages ago.
14. The “I Don’t Want To Leave This Party Early” Fight Unless you plan on getting cozy with your hand tonight, you will stay with us until we are ready to leave. This isn’t us making a scene, it’s us relishing in the scene.
15. The “Tell Me You Love Me” Fight This one usually doesn’t come out until you’ve fought about something completely unrelated for 20 minutes. Who said girls were complicated?
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